An Open Letter To Broken Hearts Everywhere

[Image credit: Bo Boswell]

When I was in the third grade, I got stung by a bee while taking a spelling test. He came out of nowhere – traveled up my 90’s acid-washed jeans, and bit me – and I screamed in unimaginable agony.

“What is it, Sheena?” Mrs. Inglis yelled to me from the other side of the room.
“I don’t know, Mrs. Inglis. But it hurts real bad.”

I was in the third grade when I first felt what heartbreak feels like, only I didn’t know it then.

Two years ago, a guy whom I loved deeply broke my heart. There were no warning signs that I should’ve stayed away; if there were, I was just a girl in love, too docile to notice, and too dumbfounded to care.

Even though what happened went down two years ago, the loss is like nothing I’ve ever felt before. It irrevocably changed me. Sometimes, I feel like I’m okay, and everything is okay, and everything will continue to be okay.

But other times, I feel a sort of endless pain, resulting from a darkness that takes over without my consent. It feels like emotional rape. And when this happens, everything else in life merely feels like a distraction from what’s really going on inside my wounded heart, rendering me unable to perceive what I’m doing at face-value; dating becomes futile. A wine tasting is a trip down memory lane. Kickboxing is just beating up a bag with my ex’s face painted on it. I carry he who broke my heart around with me everywhere I go. I feel him in every fiber of the parts of myself he took from me.

I find this piece to be more seasonable than those I’ve previously written. See, upon hearing the news of Kourtney and Scott, the epic tale of the woman who tried to change a man who can’t be changed, and Ben and Jen, a pair people everywhere thought would put the rest of Hollywood’s couples to shame, I fell apart at the little that had been holding me together ever since my own heartbreak experience. As a child of divorce, I genuinely empathize with those involved in the breakups, feeling each celebrity and celebrity kid’s pains as if they are my own.
And last night, somewhere in the middle of switching back-and-forth between E! and CNN, I began to cry. I’d like to believe I was crying for those everywhere who have been in love;
for the heartbroken, who may never have the courage to recover from the hits they’ve taken, and who have no choice but to remain brave in the face of adversity;
for the heartbreakers, who may never understand the capacity of the absolute tragedy they’ve bestowed upon those who loved them most;
finally, for the couples who tried to make it work, but couldn’t, because forces bigger than them took hold of a probably incontinent situation that we try to nonetheless institutionalize.

————————————–

One day, something good came of my loss: I was given a professional opportunity to have my voice heard by millions around the world. I started this blog because the pain, when I do feel it, is like that of a bee sting. It’s sudden, but overwhelming. Not too long after I began blogging, I was fortunate enough to quit my job for a paid venture that I initially only embarked on with the sole intention of curing the indubitable hole in my heart; the one that’s yet to be filled. That is, I write.

Sometimes, the darkness gets to be too much. Hell, before I began to pen this, I was curled up in a fetal position on my couch crying hysterically to some Enya-knock-off yoga music (hey, it brings out the feels). Sometimes it can, and it will, get to be too much for all of us. After all, there’s only so much the human heart can take.

Because sharing my pain with others has helped alleviate my own, I encourage you to do what makes you feel alive, and to do more of it. If you can’t sleep, do *that* thing. If you have to stay home on a Friday night to do it, in lieu of getting drinks with your friends because Friday is the only time you can fit that special *thing* into your schedule, then do that. Just stop, drop, and roll. And then, do *that.*

I may never fall in love again. That sounds like a naive declaration, but it could very well be true. And, in the event that I don’t fall in love again, I’ll be prepared, because there is something else I’ve found to half-replenish my soul; doing it doesn’t feel as good as being in love, but it comes as a close second. Equip yourself, and always keep your equipment close, for it’s okay to stay guarded. The one who’s meant to stay forever will have hands heavy enough to break through your walls.

And so, I write. What’s your weapon?

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About Sheena Sharma

Indian-American writer in New York. Inherently curryous about first-generation Americans, Gen-Y and love.

8 Responses

  1. Dee

    This hits home in so many ways. I have also taken up writing as my only salvation in an effort to remake myself. Talking to people does not alleviate my pain but writing gives me an outlet to truly express what my soul has to say.

  2. Do not like your smile to dim.
    If it so happens
    Please, let me know
    I’ll tell you a joke
    and
    Paint circular rainbows
    all over and around
    your blues.
    ________________________________________________________
    Choose Friendship and All Happiness and Smiles will follow.
    ________________________________________________________

    Friendship: First and Foremost —-

    I think and believe that Friendship is the heart of all relationships…. The foundation of every Friendship is the communication without any reservations…. Truth, honesty and sincerity are the glues that bind friends together forever and ever…. The test of a true friendship is when friends can be true to themselves and to the friend simultaneously….

    There are no equations in Friendship. Friends give to the other and take from the other to their maximum capacity and to their best capability…

    There is no other name that can describe Friendship because friends treat each other like a teacher, student, brother, sister, father, mother, husband and lover at different times or at the same time…. Friendship is not a substitute of other relationship, but it helps to supplement all other relationships.

    Two friends need not be alike. On the contrary, if the friends are different in age, background and life experiences they can learn from the other and teach the other….

    As two persons become friends, their Friendship gets a life of its own. With the passage of time, the two Friends and the Friendship do and must evolve. A change in one changes the other two…. Friendship is not an end to be achieved but a dynamic journey that helps and stimulates both the friends to evolve, find their real selves, and to realize their dreams….
    _____________________________________________________________________

    Keep Smiling, Smiley Sheena 🙂

  3. Jami

    I feel like I was supposed to read your blog today. I am currently in a very happy relationship with someone who treats me incredibly well. But I found out this morning that the man I was with for 3 1/2 years, so severely broke my heart, is with someone who he treats like gold. Those old painful jabs in my stomach arose and I found myself wondering, “why couldn’t he have been that way with me?” Those feelings have been plaguing me all day. But reading this has made me feel better. I have the love of a man now who is deserving of my love, and even more importantly, I have myself. The biggest love of my life.

    Thank you for blogging!

  4. So I think we’re both broken 2 years ago, the difference is that I was broken 2x. hahaha.
    But the pain of the 2nd heart break really was the reason why I have these several thoughts on my mind that I want to write. The 2nd heart break I guess is more painful than the 1st one even though we didn’t have the “relationship”. Maybe it hurts more because it ended soon without even starting. So that’s why I have this notebook where I talk to him to ease the pain. And after more than a year I wrote this.
    http://steplostvoyage.blogspot.com/2015/09/before-during-and-after-chasing.html

  5. Over the past few days, I’ve read ALL of your posts. I’ve enjoyed each and every one of them like an individually wrapped chocolate mid work day. I identify very much with what you are writing, and I too desire a blonde ambitious dude with a charming British or Australian accent (I’m not picky). You’re posts are encouraging and shed a new light for those of us who feel we are perpetually single. So here’s too embracing being single and brilliant blogs! I wish you the best of Tinder dates and fulfilling shut-in Saturday night romcom marathons!

  6. Dara

    Dear Sheena Sharma,

    I am glad to find your post regarding ‘Why is it hard to be friends with the one you love’ through my friends facebook page, because it led me to this. Writing is your weapon and so is mine… (but not as exquisite as yours)

    “I am currently lost, heartbroken, crumbling and stumbling.
    Somehow love seems like a game, and i thought i was winning.
    It’s been more than 3 years of hard work and dedication to survive,
    But now I’m hopeless, penniless and barely alive.

    I guess this is why you call it Falling in love,
    Because it surely hurts when you fall.
    Now I’m alone, looking at him fly like a dove.
    I wish I could fly too, but I kept hitting the wall.

    Goodbye my love, Goodbye my friend.
    You have left me broken in the end.
    Told me you were loyal, but you did it anyway.
    I’m done fighting, You and Her can have it your way.”

  7. Ashley

    Somehow I was supposed to find this today. I have read each word you published in a couple publications as if they were as sacred as scripture. I too have that broken heart. It’s a limbo that is killing me day by day. Love is like war…easy to begin and hard to end. I can’t find my closure. I’ve never felt more alive…more found…more real…or more happy…and now…more helpless and alone. I need to find my weapon. I need it to protect me from here on out.

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